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A guy dies and finds himself in a room with St. Peter.
After a short introduction, he noticed that all the walls in the room covered with clocks. He asks St. Peter, "What's up with the clocks?"
St. Peter says: "These are Lie clocks for all living people. When a person lies, the clock moves its hand."
"For instance, here's the clock for Mother Teresa. It didn't move at all."
The guy then asks' "Is there one for George W. Bush?"
St. Peter reponds: "No, we don't have it here. It's in the Jesus room. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Two boys in Texas were playing baseball when one was attacked by a rabid
Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby
fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's
neck.
A conservative newspaper reporter from the Washington Times witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Texas Ranger Fan Saves Friend from Jaws Of Vicious Animal"
"But I'm not a Texas Ranger fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry" replied
the reporter. "But since we're in Texas, I just assumed you were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began: "George W Bush Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Dog attack"
"But I'm not a Bush fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Texas Ranger or Bush or Delay. What team or person do you like? "
"I'm a Red Sox Fan and I really like John Kerry" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Commie Midget Kills beloved Family Pet."
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was drunk as a skunk rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
JUST WHEN WE THINK THE WORST THREAT WE FACE IS THE AVIAN FLU,
The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior.
The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him."
Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years. Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLICANS
Mine Eyes have seen the thieving of that crooked bastard Bush;
Through five years of his reign, I dread the final push;
As his cronies steal billions he smirks and spews his moosh;
The grifter marches on.
Bush butchers all his syntax like a drunken vapid fool;
Though he says he is stone sober, don’t let him near the pool;
Should we impeach him for his policies - or is he just Dick
Cheney’s tool?
He lies from dusk to dawn.
Georgie! Georgie! How he screwed us!
Georgie! Georgie! He misused us!
Georgie! Georgie! He abused trust!
Our way of life is gone.
The spoiled firstborn son of aristocratic class;
His grandpa traded with Nazis and his father is an ass;
He stole two elections and tripled the price of gas;
Our nation’s pride is gone.
He vowed to cut the taxes of each impoverished millionaire;
And he did it by cutting lunches for children on welfare;
His owners at Halliburton say drill for oil everywhere!
ANWAR soon is gone.
Georgie! Georgie! How he screwed us!
Georgie! Georgie! He misused us!
Georgie! Georgie! He abused trust!
Our social compact is gone!
His re-election was uncertain so he played a war hoe-down;
When his lies were exposed he invented other grounds;
Then went after all his critics; what a dangerous clown;
The indictments will soon come!
Now he's spent all our money fighting a pathetic Arab state;
He lied to us about it and sent our children to their fate;
They die without good armor and come home in ummarked planes;
Our nation stands and mourns.
Georgie! Georgie! How he screwed us!
Georgie! Georgie! He misused us!
Georgie! Georgie! He abused trust!
The bastard marches on!
Subject: Important History Lesson on Chickenhawks
This is why Chickenhawks want to revise the history of humans...
History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to the coast & live on fish & lobster in
Winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Chickenhawks and the rest of us.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. “It takes a village.”
Men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. Women stayed near the village to take care of the fire for the B-B-Q and keep the beer out of the sun. This community effort insured that all got some beer and B-B-Q.
However there were some men who were weaker and scared of hunting so they learned to live off the community by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and praising the other men for their hunting skills while eating most of the meat and drinking most of the beer.
These men were called Chickenhawks by the rest of the village because of they were all talk and no action. Some Chickenhawks learned to make shoddy bows and arrows for the real hunters so they could trade for more beer and B-B-Q. These Chickenhawks evolved into a tribe called the Military Industrial Complex. The other non-hunters devolved into politicians from Texas.
Those who insisted that the Chickenhawks help in the hunt instead of just talking, eating B-B-Q, and drinking all the beer, became known as Liberals.
Some noteworthy Chickenhawk achievements include Junk bonds, “Intelligent Design” theory, and big expensive complicated bows and arrows that rarely worked. A Chickenhawk also invented the Diebold electronic voting machine so Chickenhawks could change any village election that insisted that they had to help hunt.
Over the years Chickenhawks came to be symbolized by large bloated elephants stomping around making a lot of noises and a big mess but easily shot with bows and arrows. Liberals are symbolized by a mule because they are hard working but not easily pushed around.
Modern Chickenhawks prefer expensive champagne to go with their cocaine. That is unless they run for President where they have to appear to be sober while walking around with a bow and arrow that he never shoots.
Most fundamentalist evangelical preachers, executives at Wallmart, and white-collar criminals are Chickenhawks.
Chickenhawks invented the professional sports salary cap so players could never make more money then team owners.
Chickenhawks produce little or nothing. They like to "manage" the hunt and decide how to get more and more of the beer and B-B-Q.
Each and every Chickenhawk believes he is enlightened by God and knows what’s best for everyone else.
Chickenhawks remained in England while our Founding Fathers were fighting for our freedom. Chickenhawks crept into America to see if they could sell the founding fathers useless bows and arrows.
Chickenhawks try to revise this history lesson to hide their cowardly profit making ways. However soon or later one of them gets caught outing a CIA agent, insider trading, or laundering campaign funds. Then they all turn on each other trying to save their own fat grubby necks.
To see a more history on current day Chickenhawks and their lack of skill with a bow and arrow or how many hunts they missed please see the following web site:
http://www.nhgazette.com/news/chickenhawks/chickenhawk_headquarters/
Donald Rumsfield is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims, "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the president looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
Top Ten Reasons Bush lost 380 tons of explosives in Iraq?
1. Someone labeled them "Enron Employee Retirement Funds."
2. Someone labeled them "Flu Vaccine for America."
3. Someone labeled them "Bush's plans to save Social Security."
4. Bush told Donald Rumsfeld they were "Iraq antiquities" and to guard them.
5. Someone stamped them "George W. Bush Air National Guard Service Records."
6. Someone told Cheney they were "Lesbian Explosives."
7. Someone labeled them "New Jobs for America," then outsourced them to India.
8. Someone painted them blue and told Gallup to poll them.
9. Someone painted them Black and told Jeb Bush to register them to vote.
10: Someone painted them red and green and hid them in a cherry tree.
Q: What's the difference between Iraq and Vietnam?
A: Bush had a plan to get out of Viet Nam...
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "150."
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum
physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is really
cool." So the man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned
around, and came back in for another drink.
Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about
football, baseball, sensual topics and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." So
the man went out and came back in a third time.
As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "50."
The robot then said, "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"
George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
government?
Are there any tips that you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen,"the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people".
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea."Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please ask Mr. Blair to
come in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child.
It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House...
Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this
for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother
and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on
that one".
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one but none can give
him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's
shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up stomps over to Dick Cheney and angrily yells into his
face,
"No, you idiot!
It's Tony Blair!
The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force
One.
George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very
happy."
Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills
out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his
co-pilot,
"Such big shots back there..... hell, I could throw all of them out
the window and make 56 million people very happy."
On his sixteenth birthday a young Republican receives an expensive Hummer H2. He immediately takes it for a drive around his neighborhood to show off.
Coming to a stop sign, a nice old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny yellow Humvee and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Humvee H2. You're looking at a $50,000.00 dollar modern day urban assault vehicle. I can take this baby on any terrain from city streets full of potholes to the rocky mountains of the great outdoors!"
Sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right, but it sure costs a lot of money! How about showing me what it can do with those little itty-bitty hills over in that vacant lot there.
Feeling the old man's challenge the young Republican immediately punches the gas pedal and heads for the several small dirt hills in the middle of the vacant lot. He's heading for the first dirt hill when he sees the old man following him in his rear view mirror. "That old fart thinks he came keep up with me on his old moped," the young man exclaims, "I'll just give him a little dirt bath." He swerves into the first dirt hill turning it into a mushroom cloud of rocks and dirt.
However as the dust settles he sees the old man ahead of him bouncing through the next couple of dirt hills and bushes. Shocked and chagrined he slams the peddle to the medal and smashes through the hilly terrain in pursuit of the old man. After several seconds of mind numbing gyrations through dirt, rocks, and bushes he sees the old man is behind him but is once again rapidly catching up.
"Couldn't be!" thinks the young repub. "How could a moped outrun a Hummer?!" Throwing all caution to the wind he tries to slam his way through the last and biggest set of dirt hills. However he's gone one hill too many and slams into the base of the biggest hill where the Hummer stops dead, it's front buried up to the windshield in mud and dirt.
Looking about at his now ruined Hummer he suddenly hears Whooooosh and KablaMMM! The young man jumps out to see what the sound is and it is the old man!!! He's slammed into the rear of the Humvee.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Omigod! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers in a raspy breath, "Unhook...my suspenders...from your side-view mirror..."
One sunny day in 2008 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,
"I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The man thanked him! and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, visibly agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises and then fades away.
The next night Bush is astir again and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution as I did," Jefferson advises and dims from sight.
The third night sleep is still not in the cards for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of F.D.R. hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mists.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Abe replies, "Go see a play."
It was January and a lovely snow fell on the White House lawn. So Dubya decided to go for a stroll in the snow.
He didnt get ten steps out the door before he saw it: Huge, bright yellow, cursive letters in the snow that spelled out, "DUBYA IS AN ASSHOLE!"
Somebody had written it in piss in the snow. George was furious!! He sent for George Tenet, Robert Mueller, and Condi Rice. He told them they had better find out whose urine that was or there would be heads rolling all over Washington.
So the FBI, the CIA, and whoever the hell Condi has working for her get busy in a hurry. Within two hours the analysis is done. They have their man.
"Mr. President," said Tenet, "it is Karl Rove's urine."
"The Bureau concurs, sir," said Mueller.
"Oh my god!" says Bush. "I've got to tell Cheney right away!"
"I wouldn't do that, Mr. President," said Condoleezza Rice.
"And why not?" Bush asked incredulously.
Rice answered, "Because it was his handwriting."
Bush is feeling the stress of the presidency and decides to disguise himself and slip past the secret service and walk around DC. He comes to a comedy club and goes in, figuring a laugh or two will help relax him. The main act is a ventriloquist, and the entire schtick is nothing but jokes about how dumb President Bush is, and the audience is loving. After 10 minutes, Bush can't stand it any more. He stands up, whips off his disguise, and screams, "I'm George W. Bush, and I'm your president, and I think I deserve a little bit more respect than this!"
Dead silence fills the room, and the ventriloquist stammers out, "I-I'm truly sorry, Mister President."
Bush interrupts, yelling, "Shut up, I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee there!"
As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs,sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan
Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense
Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."
Problem Thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and
then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought
led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone. -- "to relax", I told myself
-- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important
to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned
off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid
friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I
like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a
real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to
find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a
divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You
think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make
any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I
was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the
library," I snarled.
As I stomped out the door, I headed for the library,
in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR
on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking
out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the
unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a
non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share
experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed...
easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to
recovery is nearlycomplete for me. Today, I registered to vote
Republican!
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the CIA, then on to NASA, then to the Secret Service. With no clue as to it's meaning, they eventually asked Canada's RCMP for help. The RCMP cabled the White House as follows: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down"
President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!!!"
Donald Rumsfeld dies and is sent to Hell. Satan decides to personally escort the famous Secratary of Defense. The Devil takes Rummy to that part of Hell reserved for politicians. Satan shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In this room there are various people he remembers from the Ford administration standing in shit up to their waist. But Donald says "no,please show me the next room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has cabinet staff he remembers from the Reagan administration. But here they're standing with shit up to their ears, so he says no again.
Finally Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people he worked with in the Nixon administration. Here there is only shit up to their knees and they're drinking cups of coffee and eating cakes. So Donald says I'll choose this room please. Satan says O.K. and leaves Donald to greet his old buddys.
Five seconds later, a demon strolls in, and screams "OK you repukes, coffee breaks over, BACK ON YOU'RE HEADS!!"
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon
an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar
but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid
was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he yelled back that President Bush is a no good AWOL boozing, cocaine snorting, White House squatting frat boy.
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean
spirited lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Bush's Mom!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a
truck hit us"
Three successful Republican men died and went to Heaven. They were standing outside the gates, and Saint Peter was giving away different transportation things to everyone, depending on how faithful they were to their spouse.
Well the first one walked up, and Saint Peter said, "You sleep with other girls all the time, so I`m going to give you a pair of tennis shoes." So he gives him his shoes and he goes on into Heaven. Then the next guy comes up, and Saint Peter says to him, "You have been pretty faithful to your wife, but you were also bad some, so I`m going to give you a skateboard." So he gave him the skateboard and he went on into Heaven, just like the first.
Then the third one got up and Saint Peter said, "You have been really faithful to your wife even though you spent little time with her while you built your corporate empire, so I`m going to give you a expensive car. What type of vehicle would you like?" "A Hummer" exclaims the last Republican. A brand new Hummer suddenly appears and Saint Peter holds up the keys.
The guy, really excited, grabs the keys and drives into Heaven. He pulls up to one of his buddies and starts bragging about his brand new Hummer when his wife goes jogging by in tennis shoes.
Things you must believe to be a Republican today:
a. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery
b. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
c. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
d. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
e. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
f. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
g. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
h. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for Governor of California as a Republican.
i. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
j. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
k. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
l. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
m. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
n. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
o. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
p. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
q. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
r. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
s. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
t. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam are vital to the spirit of international harmony.
u. The best way to reduce the deficit and the public debt is to reduce taxes. If we eliminate all taxes the deficit and the public debt will disappear.
v. If you are a Republican you are a patriot and a saint. If you are a Democrat you are a traitor and a scumbag.
z. Be careful what you feel in yourself.... Act like a Patriot.
So Rush Limbaugh dies and goes to Hell. Its horrible. Burning fires. Hot bubbling lava! Incredible pain! No Oxycontin. He looks over and sees George W. Bush having sex with a beautiful woman. Non-stop, sweaty, constant, back-breaking sex.
So the next time Satan is going by on an inspection tour, Rush complains. "This sucks! I have to suffer for all eternity, and that White House squatting frat boy gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
The Devil replied, "Who are you to question my punishment of that woman?"
This a test from Democratic Insecurity Advisory:
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.
So this Saturday at 4 p.m. eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America.
Vice President Cheney was visiting a third-grade class, and answering questions.
Billy raised his hand, and said, "I have a three-part question. First, where are the weapons of mass destruction? Second, why does Halliburton get all the business in Iraq? Third, how much will the new Medicare bill cost?"
Suddenly, the recess bell rang, and all the kids went outside to play.
After recess, and back in the classroom, Tommy raised his hand, and said to VP Cheney, "I have a five-part question. First, where are the weapons of mass destruction? Second, why does Halliburton get all the business in Iraq? Third, how much will the new Medicare bill cost? Fourth, why did the recess bell ring thirty minutes early today, and fifth, what happened to little Billy?"
GW Bush visits a Grade 3 class and at one point asks the kids to give him an example of "tragedy."
One kid says that if his farm friend was run over and killed by the tractor, that would be a tragedy. No, says Mr. President, that would be classified as an accident.
Another child says that if a bus full of children went off a cliff and all were killed, that would be a tragedy. No, says Mr. President, we would call that "a great loss."
There is a long silence, and then little Willie pipes up from the back of the room: "If Airforce One, with you aboard, Mr. President, were hit by a friendly fire missile and blown to bits, that would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" cries Dubya. "That's exactly right. How did you decide that?"
And Willie says: "Well, it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a frickin' accident, either."
Little Hannah on the corner holding a box. Curious, he
runs over and says, "What's in the box, kid?"
Little Hannah says, "Kittens, they're brand new
kittens."
Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans", says Little Hannah.
"Now that's cute", Bush says and goes on his way.
A few days later, Bush is running with the Vice
President Cheney and he spies Little Hannah with her
box just ahead.
He says to Dick, "You gotta check this out.", and they
both jog over to Little Hannah.
Bush says, "Look in the box Cheney. Isn't that cute?
Hey, kid, tell my friend what kind of kittens they
are."
Little Hannah replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!", Bush says, "I came by here the other day and
you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well", Little Hannah explains, "their eyes are open
now."
While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot and killed by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom know what to do with a Republicans in these parts, and the same goes for you. "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature perfect 72 degrees.
In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years... Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy...casually but expensively dressed.
They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.
They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!
Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"
The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background,Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain,faces and hands black with grime. The Devil come over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and drank and ate caviar... I drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time.
Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the
screwing began.
The George W. Bush Presidential library burnt down today and both books were lost. George was crushed. He hadn't even finished coloring in the second one.
TWENTY-SIX SIGNS YOU'VE MARRIED A RIGHT WINGER
(formerly fifteen signs you've married a liberal)
26. Gives a dollar to a homeless person and asks for change.
25. Says "ditto," "that's so PC," or "I don't give a rats ass" constantly.
24. Owns an SUV that gets 10 MPG and 20 "sport" guns plus $200.00 hiking shoes but hasn't been out of suburbia since boyscouts as a kid.
23. Getting close to nature means a country drive in a Suburban.
22. Tries to convince you that Jesus was a capitalist.
21. Calls it slave labor in Cuba but "right to work" in China.
20. Conserves passion (ergo "Compassionate Conservative").
19. Worse case scenario; Global warming means his Arizona ranch will have beach front property.
18. Believes school prayer is free speech as long as it is done to the "right" god.
17. Outraged by welfare mothers but weepy for corporate welfare.
16. His/her solution to the school shooting problem is to arm all the kids so everyone has a fair chance.
15. Pro life but pro tobacco, pro guns, pro nuclear, and pro death penalty.
14. In your wedding vows, "love, honor, and cherish" were replaced with "condescend, enrich, and respect his/her freshly starched pajama suits."
13. His white T-shirt has a pointy hood.
12. Supported Bush for President in 2000, because he promised to lead us into the 20th century.
11. Cheats on your taxes, then donates the refund check to the Moral Majority.
10. Has the National Rifle Association on speed dial.
9. Delays your funeral until the estate tax is repealed.
8. Every time you try to get frisky, she asks why you can't be more like Bob Dole.
7. Whenever you have to make a tough decision, she mutters "What would Nancy Reagan do?"
6. Refers to your children as "deduction one and deduction two."
5. Refers to sex as "the once a year duty to berth more Republicans."
4. At the height of passion, cries out, "Exploit my natural resources!!!"
3. Blames the Holocaust on failed attempts to restrict German gun rights.
2. Constantly scolds your dog by screeching, "dirty little nudist animal"
And the Number 1 Sign You're Married to a Conservative...
1. He/She's got the kids playing "slumlords exploit tenant revenue streams" again.
A poor kid from the wrong side of the tracks, wanting to earn some money, started canvassing a well-to-do Republican neighborhood for work. He went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if there were any odd jobs for him to do.
"Well, I was getting ready to paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The boy, without looking about, responded, "How about $10.00?"
The man agreed and told the lad that the paint and other materials that he might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does that poor boy realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
Chuckling to himself the greedy Republican replied, "Well, he was standing right on it. I guess he's desperate for cash."
A short time later, the boy came to the door to collect his money.
"You're finished already?" the Republican asked.
"Yes," the boy replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $10.00 and handed it to the lad.
"And by the way," the boy added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
... Saint Peter asks Einstein "How do I know you really are Albert Einstein?"
Einstein asks Saint Peter for a tablet and pen. He proceeds to document his theory of relativity. Saint Peter stops him and says "Yes, clearly you are Einstein... you may go in."
... Saint Peter asks Picasso, "How do I know you really are Pablo Picasso?"
Picasso asks Saint Peter for a tablet and pen. He proceeds to sketch his Guernica. Saint Peter stops him and says "Yes, clearly you are Picasso... you may go in."
... Saint Peter asks Bush, "How do I know you really are George W. Bush?"
Bush says "Well shucks, I'm not sure."
Saint Peter hands Bush a tablet and a pen.
Bush says "Well, what the heck you wann me ta do w'dat?"
Saint Peter ponders this a moment and then says "Do you know who those two gentlemen were who entered just before?"
"uhn uh"
"Do you know of a man named Albert Einstein?" St. Peter suggests.
"uhn uh"
"Do you know of a man named Pablo Picasso?" St. Peter asks incredulously.
"uhn uh"
"Ah... then I can see you clearly are who you say you are. You may go in."
An Israeli doctor said "medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor said "that's nothing!". In Germany, "we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor said, "in my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks".
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah!". We took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country was looking for work the next day."
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